Ask Michaela: Advice on doing anal after a bad experience
Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing this. Rebuilding safety and trust around sex or specific sexual acts after a bad experience can be both hard and scary. This is especially true when a partner wants to explore that same space.
It’s normal to feel a mix of emotions, including hesitation or anxiety. Before deciding if you want to, I would suggest checking in with your body and what YOU want first.
Step 1: Check in With Yourself First
Before having a conversation with your partner, tune into your body and notice if YOU want to try anal again. In somatic sex coaching, I often have conversations with clients about embodied consent, which often involves noticing if your response to a suggestion aligns with the feelings in your body, what you are thinking in your head, and your verbal response. Taking the time to first check in with yourself and notice if your body feels drawn in or recoils from the thought of doing anal again is an important first step.
It’s also important to note that a “Maybe” or Fawn response is not a Yes. Sometimes after a bad sexual experience, we feel pressure to perform or agree to keep the peace or make a partner happy. Consent involves an embodied willingness to do an activity, free of pressure.
Step 2a: If You Realise You Don’t Want To Do It
You don’t owe anyone a sexual activity. This is especially true for activities that make your body feel unsafe or uncomfortable. Here are some scripts you can adapt or use as is to express to your partner that you don’t want to do it:
"I’ve reflected on this, and because of my past experience, anal sex isn't something I’m comfortable with or interested in exploring right now”
"My body doesn't feel safe with that type of touch, and I need us to focus on things where we both feel completely comfortable and excited”
A safe and supportive partner will honour your boundaries without guilt-tripping, pressuring, or making you feel responsible for their disappointment.
Step 2b: If You Do Want to Try It
If, when you tune in to what your body is feeling, you feel curious, open and drawn to trying it again, here are some ways that you can build trust and safety within the experience:
Set rules beforehand so that you are both on the same page. Rules might include what positions you try, pacing, and stopping immediately if there is any discomfort, starting with a massage
Focus on creating relaxation in your body through the somatic tools of breath, sound, touch, movement and awareness
Don’t rush the experience. Start experimenting with solo play first before introducing a partner into it. With a partner, wake up erogenous zones and external stimulation first. You can also add in a vibrator or stimulation on your clitoris if you like that.
Focus on the sensations you are feeling and lean into what feels pleasurable
Begin exploring intimacy in a new way with sex coaching
Navigating sex after a difficult experience doesn’t need to be something you figure out by yourself. I offer:
Online coaching
A gentle, attuned approach at your pace
Tools to build safety, connection, and self-trust
In a foundation session, we can set goals for future sessions to help you build trust and touch that feels both safe and pleasurable.
Your Desire has Pathways, Let’s explore them together
Sex Coaching for men, women and couples with Michaela Tutty
Michaela Tutty is a Somatic Sexologist and Certified Sex Coach & who works with men, women and couples to improve their relationships, sex and intimacy through practical skills. 