The FRIES Model of Consent
Consent isn’t just something to tick off at the beginning of a sexual encounter. Consent needs to be an ongoing conversation that occurs throughout the encounter, and it means that everyone involved can feel safe and respected. An accessible framework for understanding what affirmative consent looks like is the FRIES Model by Planned Parenthood. Here is a mini breakdown of their model.
The Acronym
F - Freely Given
Freely Given means that consent is made without any form of pressure, coercion, or expectation. Everyone involved must feel safe to say no to any act at any point without fear of consequences, guilt, or retaliation.
Freely given consent looks like:
Making requests without manipulation, persistent pestering, or emotional guilt-tripping.
Accepting a boundary or a "no" with grace, and no resentment.
Ensuring power dynamics (such as age, position, or status) are not being used to influence a decision.
R - Reversible
Reversible means that consent can be retracted at any point during a sexual encounter, even if it was previously given. A "yes" at the start of an interaction does not bind anyone to finish it.
Retracting consent can sound like:
Clear verbal cues such as "no", "stop", "slow down", or "I'm not feeling this right now".
Boundary adjustments like "that doesn't feel good for me", "I'm not comfortable with XYZ", or "can we try ABC instead".
Retracting consent can look like:
Physical cues such as pulling back, turning away, shaking their head, or pushing someone off.
Somatic signals such as tensing up, freezing, fawning, or becoming quiet and disengaged.
I - Informed
Informed means that everyone involved has all the relevant information before agreeing to a sexual encounter or specific act. Consent cannot be given if details are withheld, hidden, or lied about.
Being informed includes:
Honesty about protection, contraception, and STI status.
Transparency about what an act involves before it happens (no surprises or unagreed-upon boundary shifts).
Full sobriety and clarity (someone who is heavily intoxicated, under the influence, or asleep cannot process information to give informed consent).
E -Enthusiastic
Enthusiastic means that consent is an active, genuine, and continuous "yes" rather than a passive "maybe" or the absence of a "no". Intimacy should be something both people actively want to engage in, not something agreed to out of obligation, pressure, or guilt.
Enthusiasm can sound and look like:
Clear verbal agreement (e.g., "I'd love that", "Yes, please", or "That feels amazing").
Active physical participation, mutual engagement, and body openness.
Regular, ongoing check-ins throughout the encounter to ensure both partners are still enjoying themselves.
S - Specific
Specific means that consent for one act does not mean consent for everything. Agreeing to one type of touch, location, or activity does not grant automatic permission for other acts or future encounters.
Specific consent includes:
Asking before transitioning to a new type of touch, movement, or activity.
Recognising that consent given in the past does not apply automatically to the present.
Respecting that a "yes" to one thing is only a "yes" to that specific thing.
Let’s Look at this in Practice
Maya and Leo were sitting on the couch after dinner. The energy between them was warm, but Maya was feeling a bit tired after a long week. Leo reached over, resting a hand gently on her knee, and looked at her with a quiet smile.
"I’d love to take things to the bedroom tonight," Leo said softly, "but only if you’re definitely up for it. No pressure at all if you just want to relax and watch a movie."
That was Freely Given. There was no guilt-tripping, no expectation, and no subtle manipulation. Maya took a breath, checked in with her body, and felt a quiet, curiosity-driven expansion in her chest.
"I'd actually really like that," she said, smiling.
As they moved to the bed and began undressing, Leo paused before unbuttoning her shirt.
"I was thinking tonight we could try using that new massage oil, and maybe spend some time focusing just on back and shoulder touch first," Leo offered. "How does that sound?"
That was Informed. Leo laid out the plan clearly before moving forward, so Maya knew exactly what to expect rather than facing sudden, unagreed-upon shifts in momentum.
"Yes, please, I love that idea," Maya said, leaning into his touch. Her body was relaxed, her breathing was steady, and her response was active. That was Enthusiastic (a full, embodied yes rather than a quiet "I suppose so").
Leo began massaging her shoulders, taking his time. After a while, he leaned down, whispering, "Can I move my hands down to your hips and inner thighs?"
That was Specific. He didn't assume that consent for a shoulder massage automatically permitted him to touch other areas of her body without asking first.
"Mmm, yes," Maya murmured, relaxing into the bed.
They continued for several minutes, but as Leo shifted closer, Maya felt a sudden tightening in her stomach. Her breathing became shallow, and her jaw clenched slightly. Even though she had wanted this moments ago, her nervous system was telling her it was time to slow down.
She placed a gentle hand on Leo's wrist and spoke softly. "Hey, can we pause for a minute? I think I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and need to just breathe."
That was Reversible. Consent given at the beginning of an encounter is not a binding contract to finish it.
Leo stopped immediately, took a step back, and smiled gently. "Of course. Let's just lie here together." He pulled the blanket up over them, leaving space for her body to settle without any resentment, frustration, or demand.
Listening to Your Body’s Consent Signals
Before giving or receiving consent, pause and notice what is happening in your nervous system:
Openness: Does your body feel expanded, relaxed, or curious?
Hesitation: Are you noticing tightness in your stomach, a held breath, or a clenching jaw?
The Fawn Response: Are you saying "yes" to keep the peace or avoid disappointing your partner?
Learning to trust these subtle body signals helps ensure that your "yes" is truly freely given and enthusiastic.
Consent is an Ongoing Conversation
Consent isn't a one-time form you sign at the start of an encounter. It is an ongoing dialogue that evolves moment by moment. By practising the FRIES framework, you can build more trust, safety, and pleasure for both yourself and your partner.
Boundary Help with Somatic Sex and Intimacy Coaching
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Michaela Tutty is a Somatic Sexologist and Certified Sex Coach who works with men, women and couples who want to improve their relationship, sex and intimacy through practical skills.