Ask Michaela: How to Approach Your Partner During a Relationship Dry Spell

An anonymous user question submitted to Ask Michaela asking how to approach a girlfriend about a multi-month relationship dry spell. — Kia ora, thanks for asking this question. I’m sure there are lots of people in the same situation, and it can be difficult to know where to start.
To answer this question, I am going to assume it is a heterosexual relationship dynamic. This is general advice. For specific recommendations tailored towards your relationship dynamics, I recommend booking a sex coaching appointment.

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Normalising the dry spell: You aren’t alone

Dry spells are common once relationships mature past the 6 to 24-month mark. The honeymoon period ends, and life issues come back to the forefront. Desire ebbs and flows for a multitude of reasons, including stress levels, medications, fatigue, hormonal shifts, and changes in daily routines. When life gets busy, stressful or falls into a routine, sex often can be the first thing to drop off the priority list.

When months go by without physical intimacy, it often feels easier to stay silent on the issue. The longer time goes on, the bigger the elephant in the room gets, and the harder it becomes to bring up. Struggling in silence can cause unnecessary distance, but acknowledging the lack of sex is the first step to closing the lull.

Is the problem me or my partner?

When sex and intimacy sit on the pause button, it is easy to internalise the blame and feel like you’re failing. You may find yourself in your head, wondering if your partner is losing interest, if you are no longer attractive, or if you did something specific to cause the shift. As I say to my clients, desire isn’t a personal failure and is instead a reflection of the couple’s shared environment and relationship dynamic. A multi-month dry spell is rarely just “your fault” or “his/her fault”, but instead it may be a sign that you have different styles that respond differently to outside pressures.

The lull in intimacy and sex often happens because partners have different types of desires that respond to stress differently. One person may have a spontaneous desire type, where they can use sex as a way to relieve stress. The other person often has a responsive desire type, which requires emotional safety, context and relaxation before their body can be turned on. If your partner is currently feeling stressed because of work or everyday life, then her brain is likely putting the brakes on. Recognising this mismatch in desire can allow you both to start seeing it as a challenge you can solve together.

A calm and comfortable neutral setting, featuring two coffee mugs on a wooden table, representing a safe space for a relationship conversation.

Introducing a Relationship Check-In

A mistake to avoid is bringing up the topic of breaking the dry spell in the bedroom. Initiating this conversation when pursuing intimacy can trigger a high emotional response where your partner may feel cornered or judged. Instead, it is better to schedule a low-stakes relationship check-in at a neutral time and setting, such as while making dinner, on a walk or driving in the car. Choosing a relaxed environment that isn’t associated with sex so that an honest conversation can come naturally.

When opening the conversation, it is important to focus on connection rather than playing the blame game. The goal is to let your partner know that you love and miss them and to clear the air.

Here are some questions you can start with:

"Hey, I've been feeling a little disconnected from you lately with how busy life has been. How have you been feeling about us recently?"
"I miss our closeness lately. Is there anything on your mind or weighing you down that I can help with?"
"I love you and want to check in. How are you feeling about our physical intimacy lately? No pressure at all, I just want to make sure I'm supporting you"

Any of these questions can invite a collaborative conversation rather than making them feel cornered. It is important to focus on curiosity to ensure the space is safe for vulnerability. This looks like asking questions rather than making demands.

A close-up of two partners sitting closely together on a couch with their legs touching, demonstrating low-stakes, non-sexual physical intimacy.

From Conversation to the body

Often, after a dry spell, it can be difficult to go straight to penetrative sex. This means it is important to create a bridge to go from feeling awkward or pressured to being intimate and close again. I often suggest to clients to take sex off the table when easing back into intimacy so everyone can be more relaxed. When your partner experiences touch and knows that there isn’t a hidden expectation for sex, her body will be able to open up to experiencing pleasure again.

To do this, try shifting the focus to small non-sexual forms of touch throughout the week. An example of this is doing a 60-second hug, a 6-second kiss or a massage where there is a strict agreement that it will not lead to sex. Even just making sure you have physical contact while sitting on the couch can rebuild the physical familiarity. By removing the goal of sex, it works to remove anxiety or the fear of rejection and let mutual desire find its way back into your relationship.

Ready to Find Your Pathway?

Navigating a multi-month dry spell can feel confusing or upsetting, but once you understand the underlying desire dynamics, it can act as the first step toward reconnection. Communication is key, and introducing low-pressure check-ins can mean you get on the same page. From there, prioritising small, goal-free physical touch can invite more intimacy back into your relationship. If you find yourself stuck or unsure of how to put these steps into action, working with a somatic sex coach can provide the tailored and compassionate guidance you need to map out your dynamics together.

Want regular somatic check-ins? If you aren’t quite ready for 1:1 coaching but want honest insights, practical tools, and the latest Ask Michaela columns delivered straight to your inbox, Join the Community.
Ready for deep, tailored support? If you are ready to experience a fully clothed, collaborative space where you can dive into what you are experiencing in sex, intimacy and beyond, you can Book your Foundations Session. This initial 30-minute session is $50 NZD and will be credited toward your chosen coaching pathway if you choose to continue.