Ask Michaela: Why have I lost interest in sex with my partner when I'm still deeply in love?

Thanks for asking! I love receiving these questions. This is a common struggle that people find themselves in during long-term relationships.

Before diving into the question, a quick reminder for everyone reading: if you have any questions you would like answered about sex, intimacy, relationships, masturbation, or what happens in a sex coaching session, you can submit these anonymously through the Ask Michaela page.

Please note: The insights in this post offer generic advice. Because everyone is different, and their relationship history is unique, I recommend booking a Foundation Session if you want to safely unpack your situation.

When love doesn’t match your desire

A common paradox couples find themselves in when they are in a long-term relationship is “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”. This happens when the attachment holds, but your desire goes offline.

This often occurs during the transition from a new relationship to a long-term relationship because the brain’s chemistry is altered during this change. In the early stages of relationships, your brain’s reward system is heightened and hormones such as dopamine and norepinephrine. This creates a state of intense infatuation where desire feels easy and automatic. As the connection matures, your brain then down-regulates itself to protect you from exhaustion. The hormones oxytocin and vasopressin then take over, which promotes bonding, emotional safety and trust. This shift is that your body is moving from a state of high-alert excitement to one of calm and grounded connection. While this is a natural progression that everyone goes through, your mind can easily misinterpret this drop in urgency as a sign you’ve fallen out of love. In reality, you are feeling safer.

Transitioning from the Honeymoon phase & Desire

The honeymoon phase typically draws to an end between 6 and 24 months of a relationship. This is when the chemical shift that is described above ends. No matter what type of desire people naturally sit in, desire often shows up more spontaneously when they are in the early stages of the relationship. This looks like an unexpected sexual thought, watching a movie or just being in the presence of your partner, acting as an instant trigger for sexual arousal and desire.

As the relationship matures past this initial phase, desire transitions to being more responsive. When it transitions to responsive, the body and mine are neutral at first, but can be warmed up in response to physical comfort, presence, and safe touch. If you are sitting around waiting for the quick and easy lightning bolt to strike desire before you can connect with your partner, you may end up waiting forever. Being aware that your desire type may now be showing more responsive desire than spontaneous desire can take the pressure off and allow you to shift your focus from waiting for desire to actively creating it.

The ebbs and Flows of Desire

Sexual desire isn’t a flat line, but instead it naturally fluctuates with the daily realities of life. A healthy libido will ebb and flow depending on your current stress levels, medications, fatigue, hormonal shifts, and changes in daily routines. When you notice your libido dipping, it is important to acknowledge the current season you are in and not try to force a physical response. Forcing the response introduces anxiety and pressure into the mix, which acts as a brake on your remaining sexual desire and stops you from creating an environment where you can feel safe to get turned on.

What happens when desire Types don’t match

It is both normal and common for partners to have different desire types. When desire is mismatched, couples can fall into a cycle of pressure, expectation and rejection. The partner with higher desire can begin to feel unwanted or disconnected, and the partner with the lower desire can start to view physical touch as a chore or obligation. The moment your brain views intimacy as a chore, your nervous system locks down to protect you from that demand. As sex is a motivation system, once the body is stressed, sex becomes less of a priority. Reconnecting with your partner is about creating a safe environment where low-stakes touch is introduced so that desire can reappear.

I recommend reading my blog post: Navigating Mismatched Desire: A Somatic Approach to Reconnection

Ready to Find Your Pathway?

Mismatched desire doesn’t mean that you have to break up. My coaching sessions can help both individuals and couples to safely close this gap. For individuals, we will unpack what type of desire you have and your turn-ons and turn-offs. With couples, we will map out your collective dynamics, and you will receive tailored exercises for low-stakes touch.

• Want regular somatic check-ins? If you aren’t quite ready for 1:1 coaching but want honest insights, practical tools, and the latest Ask Michaela columns delivered straight to your inbox, Join the Community.

• Ready for deep, tailored support? If you are ready to experience a fully clothed, highly collaborative space where your consent is entirely centred, you can Book your Foundations Session. This initial 30-minute session is $50 NZD and will be credited toward your chosen coaching pathway if you choose to continue.