Ask Michaela: Clit vs. Tongue Penetration—What’s the Secret to Great Head?

Thanks so much for writing in with this! I love getting questions like this because there is SOO much advice out there about what women want in bed, which can leave you confused about what techniques to use.

Before diving into the question, a quick reminder for everyone reading: if you have any questions you would like answered about sex, intimacy, relationships, masturbation or what happens in a sex coaching session, you can submit these anonymously through the Ask Michaela page.

Now, let’s unpack this question and how to create a mind-blowing experience when you are giving a vulva owner oral

The best technique in bed: Communication

Before we look at the anatomy, it is important to know that there is no universal “secret technique” that works for every person with a vulva. Every person is unique, so it makes sense that our genitals are no different. What makes one person curl their toes and cum may feel irritating, overwhelming or numb to another.

Your mouth’s best skill, therefore, is communication before, during and after oral. This doesn’t mean it has to be an awkward or clinical conversation. Verbal communication during the heat of the moment can be so hot and connecting.

This can sound like checking in with quick, dirty whispers in the ear, or asking for guidance:

• “Do you like this, babe?”

• “What would make this feel better for you?”

• “Direct my head with your hands (or hips!)”

Satisfying oral isn’t about following a performance script: It’s a collaborative game of paying attention, asking what feels good in the moment, adjusting your presence and speed to their liking based on the real-time feedback they are giving you.

Let’s Talk about Tongue Penetration

As said above, every vulva is wired slightly differently, and there will be some people with vulvas who absolutely love the feeling of their vagina getting penetrated by your tongue, and there will be some who are lying there being like “wtf is this person doing”.

For those vulva owners who enjoy the feeling of tongue penetration, there is an anatomical reason for this- The lower third of the vagina (especially the front wall) is sensitive because it has more nerve endings. This area also sits right between the legs of the clitoris and near the skene’s glands.

The technique of using shallow stimulation just inside the entrance of the vagina is called shallowing. This technique involves using a fingertip, sex toy, penis tip, tongue, or lips right around the vaginal opening. A study by OMGYES found that roughly 84% of women use the shallowing technique to make penetration more pleasurable.

Vulvas & Climax

While the pleasure-sensitive lower third of the vagina explains why the tongue can feel amazing as a building block, relying on only penetration misses a piece of the puzzle. Since you mentioned enjoying focusing on the clit, you are already on the main pathway to vulva pleasure.

Research has found that between 70% to 80% of vulva owners can’t orgasm from only penetration. For the majority of people, penetration, whether from a penis, toy, or tongue, can feel good but isn’t the primary trigger for climax. To have an orgasm, most vulvas need direct stimulation of the external clit.

Tip: An orgasm shouldn’t be treated as a goal to achieve to make sex “successful”

When we hyper-focus on orgasm being the only goal, this is an expectation that can bring in stress or worry for both parties. This pulls both you and your partner out of your bodies (where the pleasure is!!) and into your heads. Pleasure is a full spectrum. The connection, sensations and expression are successful on their own, whether anyone cums or not.

adding penetration

If you communicate with your sexual partner and she lets you know she is a fan of the sensation of penetration while receiving oral sex, try to do it all with your tongue isn’t the only option. This is a great opportunity to bring your hands or sex toys into the mix.

Using 1 or 2 lubed fingers to stimulate the vagina while your mouth stays focused on the clitoris can create a pleasurable multi-sensory experience. Doing a come-hither motion with your fingers will stimulate the G-spot, which is located on the bottom third of the vagina, while also focusing on the external clitoris with your mouth. This creates a powerful dual sensation that satisfies both internal and external desire pathways without overworking your tongue.

Alternatively, you could introduce a bullet vibrator or a dildo to level up the experience. You can let the toy take care of the heavy lifting on the clit while you focus on internal finger work or vice versa. While doing this, it is important to keep a rhythm that feels in sync instead of overwhelming.

The somatic piece

As I received my training as a Somatic sex coach, I feel as though it is important to bring a somatic (body-based) approach to answering this question alongside the anatomy and communication pieces. Pleasure is an experience that is founded in safety. If the vulva owner gets stressed, their body will respond by tightening up, which makes it harder to receive pleasure.

Tip: Don’t go for the clit straight away. Think of warming up the oven. The clitoris has an incredible 10,000 nerve endings, and hitting it with intense stimulation before it warms up can feel overwhelming, irritating or even shocking for the recipient.

Instead, start by touching the surrounding areas: inner thighs, the labia, and the lower belly to build safety and anticipation. Let the arousal build through the entire body first, maybe even kiss the other erogenous zones or breathe on them. While doing this, ask how it feels, what they want you to do, and who they want to be in control. Notice their muscles softening, their breath changing and different body movements. This all turns the experience from a checklist of techniques into a connected somatic experience.

Ready to Find Your Pathway?

If you are ready to demystify body-based practices and learn how to safely use somatic tools, I invite you to take the next step. In my coaching practice, I use anatomical models to demonstrate different strokes, pressures, and rhythms, giving you a clear visual map to learn what works for your own body and others:

• Want regular somatic check-ins? If you aren’t quite ready for 1:1 coaching but want honest insights, practical tools, and the latest Ask Michaela columns delivered straight to your inbox, Join the Community.

• Ready for deep, tailored support? If you are ready to experience a fully clothed, highly collaborative space where your consent is entirely centred, you can Book your Foundations Session. This initial 30-minute session is $50 NZD and will be credited toward your chosen coaching pathway if you choose to continue.