A Guide to Coming back to your body
If you have ever found yourself running through your to-do list, wondering how you look, or asking yourself, “Am I doing this right?” right in the middle of sex, you are far from alone. Getting stuck in your head during sex is one of the most common experiences people bring into somatic sex coaching.
In New Zealand, we live in a culture that views sex as a goal-driven performance. This means that we often find that we are in our heads and feel cut off or numb to the rest of our body. What I have learnt from my Certificate in Somatic Sex Coaching is that really good sex is developed through our felt sense of the experience. The good news? Presence and learning how to feel sensation is a skill that you can practice and build over time.
Why Sensation Matters More Than "Trying to Focus"
When you get stuck in your head during sex, it is usually because your nervous system is still processing the day. You cannot think or force your way into presence. Your body needs explicit signals of safety to shift into a Ventral Vagal state (the neural pathway of safety, grounded connection, and pleasure).
Moving straight from managing work, household tasks, or answering emails directly into intimacy leaves your nervous system in high-alert mode. This is why bridging activities are so important.
Some Examples of Bridging Activities:
Warm bath/shower with your partner
Light a candle
Dim the Lights
Spending five to ten minutes quietly cuddling
Give/receive a non-sexual massage
Hold each other without expectations
Put on a relaxing but sensual playlist
Put your phones away
Take synchronised breaths with your partner
If your mind drifts, treat it as feedback from your body. It might mean your nervous system needs a slower transition before touch starts, or that you need a specific physical sensation to anchor your attention onto.
Distraction is Information
If your mind drifts during intimacy, treat it as valuable feedback from your body rather than a failure. Distraction is often telling you:
Your nervous system needs a slower transition or a dedicated bridging activity.
You need to give your mind a specific physical sensation to anchor onto.
The touch or pace needs adjusting, and it is time to speak up about what feels good.
Introducing the 5 Somatic Tools I use in session with Clients:
Awareness
Try: Take ten seconds before or during touch to name what you feel internally (warmth, tightness, or a subtle flutter) without trying to edit or fix it. Just notice.
Touch
Try: Focus on texture over outcome. Slowly trace non-goal-oriented zones like the wrists, shoulders, or back of the neck.
Sound
Try: Release low hums or soft sighs on your exhales. Sound helps discharge physical tension held in the nervous system!
Movement
Try: Keep your body fluid with subtle hip sways - think creating circles of various sizes, figure-of-eights. Be creative and experiment with pacing.
Breath
Try: Anchor yourself with a 4-2-6 breathing pattern (inhale for 4, hold for 2, exhale for 6) to signal safety directly to your nervous system.
Returning to your body is not about achieving perfect focus every single time. Every time you notice your mind wandering, gently bring your attention back to a breath, a touch, or a sensation; you are reweaving your mind-body connection.
Your Turn to explore
Pick one of these five practices to try solo or with a partner this week, and notice what happens when you prioritise sensation over outcome.
Feeling ready to tailor these somatic practices to your intimacy journey? Book a Foundation Session with me, and together we will map out what embodied presence looks like for you.
P.S Want to know more about who’s behind the screen? Head over to the About Michaela page to read about my journey and training in somatic sexology.
