Ask Michaela: Rebuilding Sexual Confidence After an Ex Comes Out

Thank you for sending in this question and being so vulnerable! Navigating an ex-partner’s coming-out process can bring up complex emotions, and it makes sense that your sexual confidence has reduced in the aftermath.

While I am a certified somatic sex coach, the insights within this post are general educational advice that doesn’t replace tailored support. As I don’t know the full history of your past relationship or you personally, if you want to explore this properly, the Foundation Session ($50 NZD, 30 min) is where we start.

If you are reading along and have a question of your own about intimacy, pleasure, or relational dynamics, then you can submit it anonymously through the Ask Michaela feature at any time.

This is how I would work through this with you if you were my client. You can follow along these steps at home, and if you need additional support, you are welcome to take the first step of a foundation session.

Step 1: Reframe the Experience

A lot of the time, we want to figure out the “why” of people’s actions. While this can feel productive, what needs to happen is an untangling of your identity, values and desires from your ex’s sexual orientation. A shift in perspective from viewing their coming out as a deficit or personal failure to accepting that your sexual orientations are mismatched is a way to remind your brain of your inherent worth, separate from your relational outcomes.

Here are 2 tools you can use to disrupt the inner critic:

1. An Objective Reality Check

   Get a journal, your notes app or a piece of paper and draw 2 columns labelled Automatic Thoughts and Neutral Reality

   In the left column (Automatic Thoughts), write down every self-critical thought that surfaced after the break-up (e.g “I wasn’t attractive enough”). In the right column (Neutral Reality), rewrite these beliefs as an objective reality in the context of their sexual orientation (e.g "My ex-partner came out because of their personal sexual orientation, which is independent of my skill, body, or attractiveness")

   The goal of this exercise is to remind yourself what is and is not in your control.

2. Talk to yourself like a friend

   When self-doubt arises, speak to yourself as though you were a friend. Address yourself by name and ask: "What would I tell a close friend if their partner came out?" Reframe internal judgment into supportive and objective validation.

Noticing a lot of resistance or self-doubt come up while you are reading this?

That is normal. In a Foundation Session ($50 NZD, 30 min), we focus on mapping your goals and building a guide of what we can cover to reduce the anxiety surrounding sex and intimacy.

Step 2: Reconnect with your Body

After a breakup, it is a great time to reconnect with your body and learn what you want, need, fear, and desire, and what your boundaries are around sex and intimacy. A part of this is learning how your nervous system is connected to safety, desire, arousal and self-touch. Learning or relearning how to listen to your body’s signals is an important step in overcoming performance anxiety and being able to reconnect with pleasure and connection.

Here are a few basic skills you can use to reconnect with your body:

1. Box Breathing

   When we are nervous or anxious, it is important to regulate our nervous systems. One simple way that works for some people is using box breathing. This skill can be used before going on a date, during a date, before self-touch and in other stressful situations you encounter during your day.

   To do this:

   Inhale through your nose for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, and hold empty for 4 seconds. Complete 4 rounds to signal safety to your nervous system.

2. Self-Soothing Touch

   Non sexual somatic (body) touch is a way to ground yourself and remind your body that you are safe. Do this activity if you feel in your body that you are feeling overwhelmed or nervous about sex or intimacy.

   Place one hand on your chest and the other on your lower stomach. Notice the warmth of your hands and the rhythmic rise and fall of your breath, letting your body rest in self-soothing support.

3. Low-pressure Solo Exploration

   Removing the goal of orgasm or even pleasure is an evidence-based way to reduce performance anxiety and rebuild body trust. This involves setting aside 15 minutes once a week for exploring your body with non-goal-oriented touch.

   To do this:

   Focus on physical sensation without expecting arousal or climax. Notice what textures, pressure levels, and locations feel calming, neutral, or pleasant.

Step 3: Low-Stakes Action & Exposure

Re-entering the dating world can feel intimidating after rejection. By using micro-steps and transparent boundaries, you lower performance pressure and build confidence through manageable, successful experiences.

Here is how you can build relational confidence step by step:

1. Create an Intimacy Ladder

   Incremental exposure allows your nervous system to slowly readjust to intimacy. A way I do this with clients is to work with an “Intimacy Ladder”.

   To do this at home:

   Break physical intimacy down into tiny, manageable steps (e.g., Step 1: Extended eye contact; Step 2: Holding hands; Step 3: A gentle kiss; Step 4: Verbalising desire). Move to the next step only when your body feels completely relaxed, and it is okay to go up and down the ladder!

2. Enter into low-stakes Boundary Communication

   Expressing that you may need to take it slow to a prospective partner creates agency for you and is a way to ensure that they respect your comfort level. It is good to set small, explicit boundaries on early dates. Say something easy like: "I’m really enjoying our time together, and I like taking things slow." This builds agency, verifies that your partner respects your pace, and eliminates performance pressure.

Need personal advice?

If you are navigating the emotional aftermath of a past relationship and want support in applying these tools, you don't have to figure it out alone.

Book a Foundation Session ($50 NZD, 30 min) to map out a tailored plan to build dating and body confidence.

Or explore tailored coaching pathways:

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